Australians can be terrifying
by Shadowed Chaos
Summary: (Crack, humanformers.) (Now a Two-shot?) Do not come between an Australian and Vegemite.
1. Chapter 1

This little thing has been sitting in my writing folder for years. It's pretty much crack on a pogostick. I will take requests.

* * *

"Why is Maggie threatening the living day lights out of _Soundwave_ and _Megatron_?" Sam blinked as he and most of the other humans - that included Cybertronians turned human - looked in on the rather large base kitchen/messhall. Maggie was standing there with her hands on her hips, Soundwave looking back impassively while Megatron seemed to have gone white.

Clearly, whatever she was saying was having an effect on the silvery-grey haired male.

"Something about 'milo'." Sam looked at the older man that had appeared beside him. No-one he knew, but he seemed to be Autobot. Maybe.

"And timtams." Sam thought that voice was Optimus, though the watching gaggle made it harder to tell who was who. Plus it'd sounded female, and the last he knew, the mechs turned female had been off with Sarah, Mikaela, and Carly doing ... something he _did not_ want to think about.

"Vegemite." Ironhide chimed in with a smirk around his beer. Four-ex, he called it.

"Oh." Sam shook his head. He'd found the vegemite to be disgustingly feral when he'd tried it once, along with most of the other humans. The ones who hadn't had been the Cybertronians. Megatron, Soundwave, Mirage, Shockwave, and Sunstreaker preferred eating it _out of the jar_.

Now he was thinking about it, there was a jar in Soundwave's hand.

"-Do you _understand_ me?" Maggie finished, snatching the empty jar from the telepath and all but slamming it onto the counter.

"Affirmative." Soundwave nodded once, as did Megatron, albeit more slowly. Maggie nodded, fished out her wallet then handed over a fifty dollar note. "Then go buy me more. And if you want any, buy it."

Sam's jaw dropped. They'd eaten out of _her_ supplies? Ohhh. They were lucky to be alive. Everyone knew how possessive the Australian was over her food.

"Mission: Accepted." Soundwave took the money and calmly walked off, Laserbeak and Frenzy seeming to come out of nowhere to join his side. Megatron followed with a fast walk. He'd yet to master the art of running - thankfully if you asked Sam - but he could fast walk. Everyone knew Megatron was only retreating as he did not yet have the coordination to fight as a human, or the weapons to back him up.

And Maggie was terrifying. _All_ humans females were to Cybertronian minds.

The assembled group let them pass, a few human soldiers already peeling out to escort them on the task, while, as one, the rest turned back to look at Maggie.

"What?" The woman said, hands on hips, eyebrow raised.

"Nothing."

Never, Sam concluded, come between an Australian and milo, timtams and vegemite, _ever_.


	2. Chapter 2

... I have no idea. Other than Beast Wars, Transmutate and personal headcanon.

And braids.

* * *

As her fingers deftly worked the man's hair, she hummed, off tune, out of key and too loud to really be called humming. She didn't know the song; only that it was death metal. Something her partner liked because it was loud, violent, and easy to paint to.

One of his paintings adorned their wall. That it looked remarkably like the innards of some poor creature didn't disturb her.

Her friend was a dark friend, but he'd never ever hurt her. She knew that, and she wished the others understood it. He couldn't hurt her if wanted too. She thought it was because her form was now of a young human. Delicate, dainty. Pretty in ways that humans believed invited dark thoughts about her.

Why would someone she loved have dark thoughts about her. He protected her and chased away the loneliness that ate her like a rabid void.

She held her hand out, and he placed a neon green hair-tie in it without prompting. Her aborted thanks turned into a coughing-hacking-up-a-lung fit, spit dribbling down to the leather of his jacket. She hated not being able to talk.

"It's fine. Don't hurt yourself." He said, motioning for her to continue while the other hand wiped it away.

She did so with a smile that could be felt, swapping her tune to some Metallica song.

-/-

"Need coffee..." Maggie muttered as she stumbled into the messhall, blinking blearily at the too-bright lights that seemed harsh after an ungodly long shift trying to work out what the hell was going on. It was 3pm and she'd been up for maybe 16 hours, most spend engrossed in her work. "What the fuck."

She stopped in her tracks, staring at Rampage. Rampage, who sat patiently while his currently preteen charge braided his hair, portable bazooka across his lap. They hadn't been able to divest him of it; the last guys who'd tried had plain vanished into thin air. Rampage had been in a good mood, and Depthcharge had been on high alert for the next month.

Maggie knew he'd killed them; Transmutate had indicated she'd _watched_ him. Why he'd let his charge watch was beyond her, and Optimus was... Optimus.

Maggie wasn't sure Rampage was a simple Caretaker like they said he was. She _didn't_ want to think about it.

Maggie took a careful step closer, clearly aiming for the kitchens. She froze when Rampage's icy bright green eyes locked onto her. The hacker held her hands up. "Coffee break?"

Rampage nodded slowly with a feral smile, hand curled loosely over the bazooka. "Continue, fleshie."

That was threat if she was any judge. She was. She'd seen him when he'd arrived soon after his 'charge'; raw, feral power; someone who'd sooner kill than make nice. It took all of her considerable will not to react to the taunt. Back straight, she walked towards her goal, steadfastly ignoring the elephant in the room.

As long as she didn't make any threatening gestures, she was fine. Transmutate distracted him enough.

She hoped.


End file.
